Anyone Can Start From Now and Make A Brand New Ending

I wrote this back in January, but when I saw the posting for Sammie's fitness challenge I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog and write about my success along the way. This is my story.

I’ve left my abusive partner more times than I can count and every time is the last time, trust me. I don’t know what is so different about this time; I suppose it’s a feeling. Someone very special to me once told me [after I expressed to her my anger with my friends asking me “why don’t you JUST go home?” like it’s THAT simple right? Because if it was that simple I would JUST GO HOME] anyways, she told me that leaving your abuser is not just about physically leaving, its about finding that part inside of you that tells you, you deserve better and believing it. So hear I sit teary eyed telling myself over and over again “you DO deserve better” and I know there’s a part of me, however small it is, that believes I do deserve better.
To this day it is hard for me to describe my [ex] partner as an abuser and even as I sit here writing this I find myself wanting to hit backspace and use his name. It is hard to swallow; the loyalty I still have for this man after everything he has put me through, that even now I find myself tempted to “protect” him from such controversial language. I’ve always tried to fix things; make things better for him because everything I did was always wrong. When you’re in an abusive relationship you quickly discover that everything you do is wrong. As I sit here I wonder “if everything I do is wrong, than by walking away I must be doing this man a favor…”

Since my last post I have wrestled with the idea of going back to my [ex] partner. Twisted I know. What is more ironic is that I considered it a million times: What is even more perverted is that the idea sounded good to me: Predictable, comfortable and safe. [I am trying to stay grounded when every thing else is up in the air.] I actually walked away from this man thinking that I somehow spoiled this relationship when all along I have been the one trying to keep it together. This man has made an art form out of finding faults with absolutely every thing that I do. I imagine to be true about myself what this man has told me: He painted my world in a way that is more supportive of his agenda. I am actually a very special woman; gifted, intelligent, strong, respectful, courteous, truthful, caring. An abusive relationship weighs heavily on a woman; imagine running up a steep hill with 100 extra pounds on your back – it’d make you a stronger, harder runner – especially compared to the unburdened runner. The weight of an abusive relationship weighs far heavier than any 100 extra pounds: You lose yourself. You change, and I can accept that over time people change, that in time we grow, we learn and when we go through life’s experiences we become wiser people. But when we are beaten down repeatedly, psychologically or physically, we change in another way. Sometimes in a way that is unexplainable, even to myself. When we could be trusting others, we turn away from them. When we could be giving our love to our loved ones, we find it difficult to express our feelings. We become immune to tension and numb to pain. When we walk past a mirror we hide from the reflection we don’t recognize anymore. We doubt our character and we forget who we are. I’m afraid to take the next steps without my [ex] partner because I don’t know how to. I don’t how to live without him because for the past 4 years I have been living for him. I can’t envision my life in a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now. I feel like the battle I am fighting is no longer with him, but with me.
I want to believe I am strong, no matter what others may think: I am a good person. I am scared, and not scared to admit that. I have courage even if I don’t think so all the time. I have feelings, even though many days I can’t feel. I get angry. I get upset. I have cried many sleepless nights. I carry with me indirect psychological scars. These invisible wounds are as deep as the crater of a volcano, reaching to the very core of the self. I feel broken. I have a hard time trusting myself and others. I have low self-esteem and my confidence has taken a beating. I have internalized everything he has said and believed it to be true. I have thoughts of inadequacy. I do not participate in all that life has to offer. And I’m afraid, because when you don’t know what’s true, you can’t trust and if you can’t trust, you can’t love. I want to believe this time of my life gives me the strength to face anything life has to offer. I don’t know where to go from here all I know is that I may be wounded but I’m not about to expire.


Its been a couple months since I left my [ex] partner and though the road may be long and wide and very, very difficult and at times uncertain, I am ready to find myself and fall completely in-love with ME! For me this challenge is more about the inner transformation; I want to become better and stronger and more fulfilled as a person. I want to love my body and be proud of who I am. Here's to creating a brand new me!

Goodluck to all the ladies who are taking on this challenge!